79th Texas Legislature, 2006

An Act Regulating the Hunting and Harvesting of Attorneys

370.01 Any person with a valid in-state rodent or snake hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sport (non-commercial) purposes.

370.02 Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted.  The use of United States currency as bait, however, is prohibited.

370.03 Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state Health Department inspection for rabies and vermin.

370.04 The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside, and the vehicle should proceed
immediately to the nearest car wash.

370.05 It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter or aircraft.

370.06 It is unlawful to shout, "WHIPLASH!", "AMBULANCE!", or "FREE SCOTCH!" for the purposes of trapping attorneys.

370.07 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW, Mercedes or Porsche dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoon.

370.08 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs, hospitals or brothels.

370.09 If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a license to hunt, trap or possess the same.

370.10 It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, accident victim, bookie, physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

370.11 Bag and possession limits of attorneys per day:

(1) Yellow-bellied sidewinders, 2;

(2) Two-faced tortfeasors, 1;

(3) Back-stabbing divorce litigators, 3;

(4) Horn-rimmed cut-throats, 2;

(5) Minutiae-advocating dirt bags, 4;
 

370.12 Honest attorneys are protected under the Endangered Species Act.

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