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"yellow page" directory
"Where
Everyone Who's Anyone"
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 Side
Effects Of A Good Laugh are...
that Real
People win real money.
Submit your Funny Effect
and if
it's used here, you win a
$50.00
certificate good on any NetPlaces
site, plus you qualify for the
$100.00 CASH
Journalists Award
in November of this Year.
Just in time for Christmas!
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Urgent
Notice: Potential Danger of Dog Hair.....
In a
press release today, the National Institute of Health has announced the
discovery of a potentially dangerous substance in the hair of dogs. This
substance, called "amobacter caninii" has been linked with the following
symptoms in females: Reluctance to cook, clean or do housework, a
reluctance to wear make-up, good clothes or high heels heels. Reluctance
to spend money on home or car repairs until after 'Baby' has new
collars, leashes, beds, treats, food, blankets or toys.
"Amobacter caninii" usually results in long hours away from home and
exhaustion which may lead to a loss of physical contact with other
humans (especially husbands and boyfriends). "Amobacter caninii" is
thought to be addictive, driving the need for additional sources - this
may lead to a "pack mentality" or like the potato chip commercial, "you
can't have just one". Beware! If you come in contact with a female human
infected by this substance, be prepared to talk about dogs for hours.
Surgeon General's Warning: Dogs are expensive, addictive, and may impair
the ability to use common sense. sent in from Lisa Herman 11/09
Just in case you missed it:
Happy Halloweenie
from the staff - click photo and get your
special hotdogs, lotsa photos, and a kid-safe Halloween story you will
enjoy.
"Jeesh, can anybody come up with an
acronym that works???" Well lets see...
POTHEADS: Pet Owners That
Have Extreme Anxiety Don't Snooze
CRAPSCOOPERS:
Crazy Radicals And Poop Sniffers Controlling Our Own
Personal Energy Regarding Scat
SORDID: Society
of Republicans, Democrats, & Independent Dog Owners
ABSCOND:
Americans Breeding Smaller Cats Or Normal-size Dogs
FOOLS: Feeders
Of Obstinate Little Sh***ers
DAMFOOLS: Dads
And Moms Feeding Ornery Obstinate Little Sh***ers
DSMPVWHC: Dating
Service Matching PETA Vegetarians With Hungry Cannibals
LITTERBOX: Loud
Introductions To Teach Everybody Rules of Bothering Overt
Xenophobics
CLEANUP: Committee to Lawfully Educate And/or Neutralize Unhelpful
Politicians
submitted by
Fred Lanting, of Willow Wood
©
TheDogPress
-
06|27|09 |
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This was NOT
from an HSUS supporter! ☻
We
hope you get it, our staff sure did!
Captain Haggerty topped them all with this real life laugh.
Show people remember him although
he passed on a couple years ago. He sent The Dog Press this real
life story about the infamous Sunny Shay.
DON'T RAISE THE
BRIDGE, LOWER THE RIVER
Sunny Shay was getting ready to go in
for BIS with an 11-year-old Shirkhan. We were chit-chatting and I
noticed her slip was showing and told her. I was waiting for her to
hand me the Afghan as she reached inside the top of her dress to
pull up the straps on her slip. She held on to the dog, bent over
and ripped the bottom lace from her slip. She won BIS.
PS: Part of her chit-chat regarded a
certain prominent dog man that counseled her not to show Shirkhan
for BIS because we want to remember him as he was. I told her he
didn't want Shirkhan beating him and that convinced her to go in.
Cap.
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Keep your mouth shut and people won't know how stupid you
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AND THE BEST ONE:
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$1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got married last
month. Wife knows everything.
sent in by Hal Gantt
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Have A Good Laugh?
Submit your Funny Thing.
If chosen there's a $50 prize!
Try this one on for size -
You Know You're In Texas
when.... as only a real Texan could
tell it. |
 (A) The number of
physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
(B) Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year are 120,000.
(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.
(Statistics
courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health and Human Services.)
Now think about this
....
  (A) The number of gun owners
in the U.S. is 80,000,000. Yes, that is 80 million.
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is
1,500.
(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is 0.0000187.
(Statistically, doctors are 9,144 times more dangerous than gun owners.)
Conclusion: "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."
FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE
DOCTOR.
Please
alert your friends to this alarming threat.
WE MUST BAN DOCTORS BEFORE THIS GETS COMPLETELY OUT OF HAND!!!!!
Out of concern for the
public at large, our statistician withheld data on lawyers for fear
the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention.
Editor's Note: Politically
Incorrect but statistically true. Truth can be funnier than fiction...
A $50 prize winner submitted by Dave Dorsett, Austin, TX
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Dog For Sale
–
He wasn't seen at Westminster.
He
was busy in the Bronx - photo explains it all.
TEACHING MATH was our
2005 Winner
Last week I
purchased a cheeseburger for $2.58. The counter girl took my $3 and I
was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave
it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while
looking at the screen on her register with her mouth open. I sensed her
discomfort and suggested to her to just give me two quarters, but she
was compelled to hail the manager for help. When he tried to explain the
nuances of the transaction to her, she stood there and began
to cry. Why do I tell
you this? So I can rant about the importance of understanding basic
math and the flawed way it is now being taught. Here is the "History of
Teaching Math" over the last 50 or so years:
Teaching Math In 1950
A logger sells a
truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the
price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1960
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is $80. Did he make a profit?
Teaching Math In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is $80 and his profit is 20. Your assignment: Underline the
number 20 and put a $ sign to the left (front) of it.
Teaching Math In 1990
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20 of
capitalistic profit. What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the
forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their trees.
(There are no wrong answers.)
Teaching Math In 2005
El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta de
production es.............
And we wonder why jobs requiring basic skills are outsourced to other countries?
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If you've ever dealt with government ..
you need to read this
Dam Letter!
Airplane Maintenance
-
Here's what it takes to fly or repair a plane,
"Have a good Flight!"
2006 Texas Legislation regarding
the
Hunting & Harvesting of Attorneys
BAIL OUT MATH
The next time you hear a
politician use the word "billion" in a casual manner, think about
whether you want the "politicians" spending your tax money.
A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising
agency did a good job of putting that figure into perspective in one of
its releases.
a.. A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
b.. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.
c.. A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
d.. A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.
e.. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the
rate our government is spending it.
While those numbers are still making our
brain spin, this wasn't the first bail-out. Let's take a look
at New Orleans:
Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu (D), asked Congress
for $250 BILLION to rebuild New Orleans. Interesting number, what
does it mean?
If you are one of 484,674 residents of New Orleans you each get
$516,528.
Or, if you own one of the 188,251 homes in New Orleans, you get $1,329,787.
Or, if you are a family of four, your family gets $2,066,012.
Washington, D.C. !!!.................
Are all your calculators
broken????
$50
Certificate to Tam Cordingley
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There have been an average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq
theater of operations during the last 22 months,
a total of
2112 deaths - a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000.
The rate in Washington D.C. (among others) is 80.6 per
100,000.
That means that you are about 25% more
likely to be shot and killed in our nation's capitol,
which
has the strictest gun control laws in the nation, than you
are in Iraq.
Conclusion: We should immediately pull out of Washington
D.C.
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